QUESTIONS? QUESTIONS? QUESTIONS?

You’ve been out all day, doing whatever you do, and you come home to “What did you do today? Where did you go today? Did you have lunch with anyone? What did Sandy say to you? etc., etc., etc.” (as Yul Brynner used to say). Not only can this barrage of questions be tiring, it’s also overwhelming, when you’re your first coming together with someone after a period of not seeing them.

Let’s take a walk in your great-grandchildren’s shoes for a while. They’ve been at their “work” all day, and you drop in to see them or pick them up from school. The first thing out of your mouth is “how was school?” and their answer is “fine”. Then you ask, “What did you do today?” and they answer “same as always”. If you’re in their shoes, you’ll have just been through a long day at school, and you’re ready to acclimate to the next part of your day, and you’re hammered with too many questions. You turn off, and give short, pat answers.

Here’s a different approach: “Hey, glad to see you….how was school?” “Fine.” Then it can be your turn to go in a different direction, not ask anything of them, and say “Glad you had a “fine” day. You know, on my drive over here today, I saw some ducks crossing the road near that house with the pond. There was a mother and six little ducklings. The traffic stopped to watch them cross. It was so cute”. This has given the child a chance to shift gears and let you know if she/he is ready for a conversation. Sometimes, silence is golden.

Children, like adults, need quiet time, with no conversation and no questions. We need to learn to respect children’s need for peace and quiet, and when they are ready, you can be sure your great-grandchildren will engage you in dialogue.

Giving children the space and opportunity to talk about what’s important to them is an art. Each child is different and one size doesn’t fit all. With children gravitating more and more toward their own or adult’s electronic devices (phones, iPads, etc), many have less time to express their thoughts and feelings. The challenge for us is finding the time and place to let great-grandchildren express their concerns, joys, jokes and ideas.

While silence is golden, expression is platinum!

99 CENTS FOR MOTHER’S DAY

Mother’s Day is here! You can’t open a paper, a magazine, listen to a radio or watch TV without being bombarded with stuff (useful and not) to buy for Moms. How about changing it up this year?

In the past, we’ve always advocated for making something with the great/grandchildren, that can be used, eaten, or not, by Moms. We’ve been very successful with baking, gluing, coloring, cutting, and molding creations. We’ve made photo books and clocks, cards, soap, flower pots, and many other fun things. But this year, we’re going shopping.

Nana Zoe, another grandparent in our family, shared this terrific idea that we’ve used for various gift giving occasions, and will use again this Mother’s Day. Zoe showed us the value of the 99Cent Store.

Now a little parallel history: In 1879 Mr. Woolworth created a surplus goods store, selling a mixture of nickel and dime priced items. During the Great Depression (similar to today’s “recession”) people frequently shopped at Woolworth’s, Newberry’s, and other local 5&10 Cent stores.

Fast forward 100+ years: Now the 99Cent Store and its clones have replaced the 5 & 10.

So…this Mother’s Day we’ll take the great/grandchildren shopping to the 99Cent Store. They will each be given a dollar bill or use a dollar from their piggy bank, and will bounce around the store choosing the “perfect gift” for Moms. We’ll keep our opinions to ourselves, and really let the kids make their own decisions. In our family, some of the previous purchases have been: a Coca-Cola glass, a day-glow spinner for the garden, a Dodger’s stationary kit, a plastic martini glass, colorful plastic necklaces (6 to the bunch), a packet of sunflower seeds, a train coloring book (a 2 ½ year’s old idea of a great gift), and other items that the kids thought would be fun.

This kind of experience gives children the opportunity and power to be the purchaser. When they go shopping for groceries, clothes, toys, etc, it’s usually the adult who pays. It also is a chance to learn to interact with the cashier: being polite and saying thank-you.

You can accompany the gift with a homemade card and or/wrap, and voila, Mother’s Day is done.

PS…Full disclosure: WE DO NOT OWN STOCK IN 99CENT STORES!!!!

CHANGE: FOR BETTER OR WORSE?

We hear a lot these days from the politicians, that we must have “change”. As adults, we can listen to the options, and make choices. But for children transformations just occur, without their input. Change can be upsetting, scary and even life-changing to children and adults. As great/grandparents we can help provide some balance and security to the changes and adjustments children and their families may have to face.

It starts early for children. We expect them to give up many things that are part of their daily routine in life. Give up the bottle, give up diapers, give up naps, give up eating with hands, etc. All of these changes we view as positive. With non-verbal infants, it is particularly difficult to have them understand the transitions. Extra loving, holding, and soothing can help. For the youngest and even some of the older children, it may be difficult to accept this progression of changes that we call “growing up”. And we can help support them in their ever shifting world.

Some of these changes or transitions can be truly difficult for children to understand and therefore learn to adapt to and accept. Among these are moving, job loss and divorce.

Moving: Moving from one place to another is a given in these days of economic recession. This will require children to be in different settings for childcare and/or schools, new faces, new rules, new friends, and new geography.

Job Loss: When a parent or parents lose their jobs, their feelings can range from despair to anger to high anxiety. Without wanting to, this can all be reflected in the love and care they display with the children.

Divorce: Changing from a two parent household to a one parent family is a devastating situation for children and their parents. Often both children and parents have open feelings of anger, sadness, disorientation and depression.
How can we as great/grandparents help?

Needless to say, parents and children need non-judgmental comforting in these circumstances.

If our children are so stressed by the situation and there is little emotional support left over for their children, then we can be available to be listeners to our great/grandchildren. We can encourage our great/grandchildren to express their feelings and concerns, always being mindful NOT to judge.

We know that children often make wrong assumptions about the reasons for some of these changes. They often think they are to blame for the changes and that they did something wrong and are responsible for them.

It is important to help children go through the process of talking and understanding the realities of why the changes are happening, keeping in mind, age appropriate explanations. Reassuring that we will always be there to support them is the best we can do.

THE ENGAGEMENT OF RULES - Setting Up Rules and Boundaries

Children may have a set of rules and boundaries at their own homes…or not…but for OUR sanity and safety, and THEIRS, it makes sense to establish ground-rules early on. This goes for visits, car rides, plane trips, outings, and almost everything we do with our great-grandchildren.

Establishing rules and boundaries isn’t just “adult speak”. As soon as children have language, they can participate in the creation of safe and healthy boundaries. In order for them to be effective, children need to be involved. When it is appropriate, you can write everything down, and post it in a suitable place.

Around the kitchen are many tempting and hazardous opportunities. Justin, age 3, tries to turn the stove knobs. At that moment, one would need to intervene. However, afterwards, it’s helpful to talk with Justin and ask him what kind of rules there should be when he’s in the kitchen. If he’s not sure, help him understand why they are important. Later, or another time, ask him to repeat these to you. Soon you won’t have to remind him.

Emily and Sadie are sisters, both under 8 who are often in each other’s faces. Before they come to spend the day at your house, have a discussion about what they think should happen if one or the other starts a fight. Help guide them to a non-violent resolution, which hopefully can be implemented at the time a disagreement occurs. Remind them of the “rules” they set up, which may include using a timer for sharing, using non-hurtful words, and asking you to help mediate.

Children have so much going on in their lives, and sometimes, they just can’t abide by the rules, even if they made them. Occasionally, your great-grandchild will test you, ignoring the rules that they’ve helped establish. If you can keep your calm, try to support you great-grandchild’s angst, and at the same time, tell him/her that you expect the rules to be followed. Use this as their “warning”. If the problem persists, there is always the proverbial, non-violent “time-out”.

Holidays are a time when families get together and when rules are easily “forgotten”. It’s a good time to revisit the boundaries you and the great-grandchildren have set. Keep in perspective all of the hype and attention that surrounds us during this busy and stressful time. After all is said and done, the bottom line is that you and your family stay safe. Rules and boundaries help make that happen.

WE WISH YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES 

A HEALTHY, HAPPY AND PEACEFUL

HOLIDAY AND NEW YEAR!!!!

June & Laurie

SCARY, CONFUSING TIMES: 9/11, Hurricanes, Tsunamis and More

                                                                                                        

The TV and newspapers have recently been full of images and discussions about very scary happenings: 9/11, hurricane Irene, earthquakes, tsunamis, wars and neighborhood violence, among other things. While some of our great-grandchildren may be too young to read about it or actually watch it on TV, they certainly can hear us all talk about these terrible, frightening tragedies. No matter the age, children sense our fears, anger and concerns, and even though they may not totally understand the specific incident, they internalize our feelings, overt or not…they can read us like a book.

Every generation has real dangers to worry about: AIDS, nuclear bombs, presidential assassinations, wars, etc. But it seems that this generation has it more vividly and immediately “in their face”…making it seem closer to home.


We’ve written about this topic in several venues, but still feel that the person with the BEST perspective was Fred Rogers. While some of our children and grandchildren may not be aware of his great contributions to children and families, we know that after reading this, you too, will be pleased to remember him with great respect. These words of advice apply to ANYONE involved with children.


Helping Children Deal withTragic Events in the News:
Timeless wisdom from Fred Rogers
During his lifetime, Fred Rogers became known for his reassuring way of helping families of young children deal with difficult times, beginning with his response to Robert Kennedy’s assassination. Over the years since then, there have, unfortunately, been other tragic events during which parents and educators turned to him for his calming and thoughtful insight. Fred Rogers’ wisdom is timeless, and his messages continue to be valuable for children and the people who care for them, as we deal with the events of today’s world.

In times of community or world-wide crisis, it’s easy to assume that young children don’t know what’s going on. But one thing’s for sure, children are very sensitive to how their parents feel. They’re keenly aware of the expressions on their parents’ faces and the tone of their voices. Children sense when their parents are really worried, whether they’re watching the news or talking about it with others. No matter what children know about a crisis, it’s especially scary for them to realize that their parents are scared.

Who will take care of me?
In times of crisis, children want to know, “Who will take care of me?” They’re dependent on adults for their survival and security. They’re naturally self-centered. They need to hear very clearly that their parents are doing all they can to take care of them and to keep them safe. They also need to know that people in the government, in their community and in the world, and other people they don’t even know, are working hard to keep them safe, too.


Helping children feel more secure
Play is one of the important ways young children have of dealing with their concerns. But, even playing about the news can be scary and sometimes unsafe. So adults need to be nearby to redirect that kind of play into nurturing themes, such as a hospital for the wounded or a pretend meal for emergency workers. When children are scared and anxious, they might become more dependent, clingy, and afraid to go to bed at night. Whining, aggressive behavior, or toilet accidents may be their way of asking for more comfort from the important adults in their lives. Little by little, as we adults around them become more confident, hopeful and secure, our children probably will, too.


Scary, confusing images
The way that news is presented on television can be quite confusing for a young child. The same video segment may be shown over and over again through the day, as if each showing was a different event. Someone who has died turns up alive and then dies again and again. Children often become very anxious since they don’t understand much about videotaped replays, close-ups, and camera angles. Any televised danger seems close to home to them because the tragic scenes are taking place on the television set right in their own living room. Children can’t tell the difference between what’s close and what’s far away... what’s real and what’s pretend... or what’s new and what’s re-run. The younger the children are, the more likely they are to be interested in the typical news scenes of close-up faces, particularly if the people are expressing strong feelings. When there’s tragic news, the images on TV are most often much too graphic and too disturbing for young children.

Turn off the TV
When there’s something tragic in the news, many parents get concerned about what and how to tell their children. It’s even harder than usual if we’re struggling with our own powerful feelings about what has happened. Adults may be somewhat surprised that their own reactions to a televised crisis are so strong, but great loss and devastation in the news often reawaken our own earlier losses and fears... even some we thought we have “forgotten.” It’s easy to allow ourselves to get drawn into watching televised news of a crisis for hours and hours; however, exposing ourselves to so many tragedies can make us feel hopeless, insecure, and even depressed. We help our children—and ourselves—if we’re able to limit our own television viewing. Our children need us to spend time with them—away from the frightening images on the screen.

Talking and listening
Even if we wanted to, it would be impossible to give our children all the reasons for such things as war, terrorists, abuse, murders, fires, hurricanes, and earthquakes. If they ask questions, our best answer may be to ask them, ”What do you think happened?” If the answer is, “I don’t know,” then the simplest reply might be something like, ”I’m sad about the news, and I’m worried. But I love you, and I’m here to care for you.” If we don’t let children know it’s okay to feel sad and scared, they may try to hide those feelings or think something is wrong with them whenever they do feel that way. They certainly don’t need details of what’s making us sad or scared, but if we can help them accept their own feelings as natural and normal, their feelings will be much more manageable for them. Angry feelings are also part of being human, especially when we feel powerless. One of the most important messages we can give our children is,”It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hurt ourselves or others.” Besides giving children the right to their anger, we can encourage them to find constructive things to do with their feelings. This way, we’ll be giving them useful tools that will serve them all their life and help them to become the world’s future peacemakers... ...the world’s future “helpers.”

Fred Rogers often told this story about when he was a boy and would see scary things on the news: “My mother would say to me, ’Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers—so many caring people in this world.”

Helpful hints
• Do your best to keep the television off, or at least limit how much your child sees of any news event.
• Try to keep yourself calm. Your presence can help your child feel more secure.
• Give your child extra comfort and physical affection, like hugs or snuggling up together with a favorite book. Physical comfort goes a long way towards providing security. That closeness can nourish you, too.
• Try to keep regular routines as normal as possible. Children and adults count on familiar patterns of everyday life.
• Plan something that you and your child can enjoy together, like taking a walk or going on a picnic, having some quiet time together or doing something silly. It can help to know there are simple things in life that can help us feel better, both in good times and in bad.
• Even if children don’t mention what they’ve seen or heard in the news, it can help to ask what they think has happened. If parents don’t bring up the subject, children can be left with their misinterpretations. You may be surprised at how much your child has heard from others.
• Focus attention on the helpers, like the police, firemen, doctors, nurses, paramedics and volunteers. It’s reassuring to know there are many caring people who are doing all they can to help in this world.
• Let your child know if you’re making a donation or going to a meeting, writing a letter or e-mail of support, or taking some other action. It can help children know that adults take many different active roles...and that we don’t give in to helplessness in time of crisis.
Fred

Children need to know that EVERYONE has fears…but using some of these timeless and time-tested ideas, can help mitigate the intensity.

This material is excerpted with the permission of Family Communications, Inc., from The Mister Rogers Parenting Book. Family communications is the nonprofit company founded by Fred Rogers to produce Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and a wide variety of material for and about children. The company continues to support Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood in its national broadcast on PBS and to expand Fred Rogers’ legacy in new directions.For more information on Family Communications and Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, visit their website at http://www.fci.org/ . Text copyright 2004 Family Communications, Inc

THE PERFECT FRIEND

We know from our own professional and personal experience that many children have imaginary friends. As great/grandparents, how do we react to this: Are we the ones to bring reality to the scene or do we participate in the fantasy?

Haven’t you ever wanted someone to be your friend, available day or night, who would: not judge you, not talk when you wanted silence, protect you from scary things, take the blame for any accidents, sympathize with your daily problems and rejoice in your everyday victories, participate in your adventures (real or fantasy) and keep your secrets safe?  During their early years, kids make these friendships possible all the time. Viola, meet your great/grandchild’s “imaginary’ friend.

As we’ve written in other publications: “When children become verbal and until school age, around six years old, one of their major developmental tasks is to learn the difference between reality and fantasy. What is real and what is pretend? They may include an ‘imaginary’ friend, ‘Robin’, in their play, and not want anyone to sit on the empty swing next to them, because it’s being occupied by ‘Robin’. During these years of figuring out what is real and what is fantasy, dramatic play with imaginary friends is a normal and productive exercise.”

If your young great/grandchild has an imaginary friend, it may be puzzling. You may wonder if there is something missing from the child’s life if s/he has to depend on a friend you cannot see, hear or understand. Are tea parties with two place settings and wonderful, intimate conversations an OK thing when the child is the only one present? How about a card-table tent that has room for two astronauts and only the child is talking and acting out a lunar landing with a never-to-be-seen buddy?

Imaginary friends, at this age, can be a comforting and creative way for young children to deal with the joys and stresses of daily life. Wyatt may be able to share his concerns about starting a new school with his imaginary friend, while not wanting to appear afraid to the rest of the world. Emma may be able to talk and think about her siblings in a hateful, but safe way. Jason comments on how unfair things are at home when he has to put away his toys, but his older sister is free to play on the IPad.

Because children’s sense of time is so different than ours, often when children are asked to play by themselves, they may experience the time as loneliness. An hour to a child can be “forever” while an hour to us may seem like not long enough. When some children feel this way, it may call for bringing the imaginary friend into the picture and compensate for feeling lonely

Children could also be concerned with a family’s pressures, and an imaginary friend can come in handy. Margaret Taylor, a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, says “this is a common occurrence---over 65% of children have imaginary companions”.

What role do great/grandparents play in this kind of fantasy? Some may feel comfortable entering the fantasy life of the child; joining the tea party or becoming an astronaut. Whether you decide to participate or not, it’s important to be respectful of the child’s imaginative play and understand that this is a normal part of the developmental process. Young children need support in the difficult tasks of growing up. Having an imaginary friend may or may not be the way that these vital childhood challenges are handled. Some children may need their “blankie” or transitional object to help them. Some children may need none of the above, or both. But providing them with the opportunities to create their own unique way of working through these stages gives them the courage to take on the next steps of growing up.

SPECIAL TIMES FOR ONE OR MORE THAN ONE….

First of all, we want to tell you, WE’RE BACK!!! It’s been a long three months since we last posted on our blog, but life kind of got in our way. We’re so excited about starting to write again. Hope you missed us as much as we've missed you.

Making each great-grandchild feel special is a challenge, especially when there’s more than one in the family. One way we do this is by plugging into what’s currently the “hot interest/s” of the child/ren, because it’s fun and easy to do. We can find all kinds of activities to nurture those interests…for example: reading books about dinosaurs, watching TV programs about dinosaurs, finding fun facts on the computer about dinosaurs, playing with puppet and toy dinosaurs, going to the Natural History Museum, etc. BUT, sometimes, often depending on gender, when there’s more than one child in the family, one “interest” can dominate the household.

Let’s face it! We know how important it is for each child to develop their own interests, as well as expand their experiences. Many times family schedules are filled with “together” activities, and that is how it should be! However, as great-grandparents, we can make some special time with each individual child, to help each one broaden their horizons with new and different experiences.

For example:
• Henry, age 7, is the oldest of three children, and is fascinated with magic. He has a trunk full of magic paraphernalia, and engages the entire family with his shows. He goes to local magic shows, has a bookshelf full of “how-to’s”, and watches professionals on his parent’s I-Pad. While it’s important to support his interests, how about you and he planting some sun flowers, going on a “site seeing” bike ride, attending a local walk-a thon for charity, or some new and different activity you can do together.

• Allison, age 4, is the second in the same family. She is very into her dolls, dressing them up, and playing house. She has a closet full of dolls, doll clothes, and other doll oriented toys. When Henry and Allison play together, he wants the dolls to participate in his magic show, and she wants him to join her in her tea party instead. On your “date” with Allison, how about going together to visit the fire-house, or watch a live college girl’s basketball game, or teaching her some yoga poses? Again, these are fun activities that hopefully will expand her interests, and give you both an entertaining, and special together time.

• Benny is 2 ½ and is the baby in the family. He’s NOT interested in magic OR dolls, but really wants to be part of Henry and/or Allison’s play. Henry’s interested if Benny will help with his magic, and Allison wants him to be “her baby”. He’s very physical and wants to run and tumble in the grass, knock over his sibling’s projects, and climb anything he can find outdoors. A special “date” with Benny might be: watching the planes land at your local airport, a visit to the local zoo, attending a story-time at the library, or drawing pictures on the sidewalk with chalk. Again, these are engaging, together times that add to Benny’s experiences.

The activities we’ve suggested don’t have to be expensive or expansive…they are relationship building times between you and your great-grandchild and sometimes just visiting a local park or library with a fountain can be enough. When planning a special time “date”, you might want to open some doors to things (being aware of age appropriateness) that you particularly like such as: hiking, chess, board games, gardening, building things, painting, collecting shells, knitting, history, cooking, architecture, etc. If you live far away, consider some of these things when your great-grandchildren next visit you, or you visit them.

Rather than feeding only into the children’s current interests, although this is important as well, we have the opportunity to expand their experiences early on. And don’t forget, if there’s only one great-grandchild, stretching his or her ideas and activities through a special time together, can also be rewarding. It’s good for them and it’s good for us.